BIG HUNK VOL 2
allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Frank
fcoming off the heels of SCOTUS giving us another reminder that being a controlling dickswab is “deeply rooted” in our history, let’s all find an abortion fund and give what we can.
welcome to Big Hunk Volume 2: Deeper, Thicker, and Hunkier!
this week we take another look at the only Thomas we acknowledge, Franklin. no, he’s not buying Twitter, but Frank promises Nugenix will take your erections to the moon 🚀🚀🚀. TEXT FANCY TO 321321 and Frank Thomas will appear like the Candyman and put the final nail in the coffin of your loveless marriage.
with this cheeky entry in the Nugenix Cinematic Universe, we find Le Hunk in his natural habitat - smiling and ready to emasculate some plebes. the men in the audience have no qualms about this and are prepared to receive some throbbing, girthy oration.
there’s no wasted movement from Hunk and no explanation for why he’s holding a press conference answering dick performance questions. it’s like a Tarantino movie, but for Frank Thomas’ erection. I’m still waiting on Lebron’s, YesJulz presser. my guy is a King on and off the court, brother.
we get things started with skeptical method actor Terrance Howard. he simply cannot believe what he’s hearing. he shouts to the heavens, cursing a Creator that left him with such a pitiful existence while a flawless specimen stands mere feet away. Business Professional Eric Andre quickly cycles through the stages of grief and eventually lands on anger. his thoughts race as he tries to calm himself from this sudden existential dread. Frank isn’t all-knowing, he’s Ozymandias masquerading as a God!
he gathers enough courage and shouts, “I feel bad for you, Frank! to be so close to Valhalla yet banished to toil with us mortals for the rest of your days on this Godforsaken planet! may your woes and desperation chip away at your dignity for all your remaining days!”
“I don’t think about you at all.”
after Frank castrates that middle-aged congressional intern, it’s on to the next question:
when he’s not busy being a nuisance with Bucky Barnes in Wakanda or bludgeoning his wife to death in Minnesota, he’s learning everything he can about over the counter dick supplements. my guy at the bottom isn’t even disappointed he didn’t get to ask a question - he knows the Hunk has his best interest at heart. unfortunately, Bilbo Baggins used his 15 seconds of fame to ask the most obtuse question imaginable.
“does Nugenix really work?”
in a just world, our favorite testosterone-fueled lunatic would have launched that lectern directly into the crowd and began his long overdue rampage.
no longer will I be a puppet for an industry that preys on the weak and insecure! this shit isn’t even regulated! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE, IT IS TIME TO ORGANIZE AND RISE UP AGAINST THE RULING CLASS!
they refuse to heed my warning. I shall liberate the masses the only way I know how - through ruthless bloodshed.
unfortunately, cooler heads prevailed and Frank simply told the schmuck to get a tan (Bosie) and get back in the gym. a sixpack will cure all that ails you.
next up, we have a deeply unsatisfied adult who is longing for just a sliver of excitement:
Tom Cotton, in his quest to be completely unfuckable, sits behind this woman and furiously takes notes. will he try and lobby for Nugenix to be categorized as pornography or will Cotton simply label Frank Thomas as Critical Race Theory? only time will tell!
there’s no joke here, this woman is tired of receiving biweekly gentle thrusts from her partner. she used to be young, idealistic, and ready for whatever life threw her way. she found herself while backpacking through Asia! she fell in love! she dropped acid! fast-forward a few years and she’s at a penile supplement conference wondering where the passion went. thankfully, she isn’t alone in her existential conundrum:
this racially ambiguous audience member is looking into the not-so-distant future and does not like what she sees. best case scenario, she builds a time machine and steals Olivia Wilde’s thunder in Her (2013). worst case scenario, she winds up publicly asking a complete stranger if these odd pills will at least lead to some foreplay. the actual worst case scenario is becoming a contestant on the inevitable Rock of Love reboot.
the Nugenix Oracle already knows this woman’s fate:
Hunk, benevolent, yet exhausted, let the crowd know how they can get their ketchup-covered hands on the holy grail of penile enhancement supplements. Afterward, he sits in silence, waiting for the Nugenix check to clear. the audience stays but Frank’s body language lets them know his humility is only finite.
smiling to himself like a politician who is arguing against your humanity, Hunk fantasizes about washing the stench of impotence off of him and embracing some well earned solitude. the general population cannot begin to imagine the pressure Frank Thomas is under - constantly hearing from the world about their diminished testosterone and passionless lovemaking is a burden only he can bear.
